Friday, March 2, 2012

Dear Diary,

Lately, everyone has had an opinion.
Voiced their thoughts on what move I should make next.
And what is my response you may ask, simply nod my head and listen.
Lately, I haven't been the one to express myself, voice my own opinion, or simply stand up for myself.
I just observe the present while it turns into the past.

I'm not entirely sure when I became the quite one.
If you know me at all, you've probably told me to shut up a time or two.

Truth be told, when I jumped into this big pond, I became timid out of hope for acception.
But at the end of the day, who wants to be accepted for something they are not?

You see.. the problem is in search for acceptation, I left myself behind.
I started to let my brain be believe some pretty unjust things.

Someone telling me,
your thighs are too thick,
your skin is too pale,
your belly is too plump,
your overbite is too noticeable,
your height is too short,
your feet are too square,
your hair is too boring,
you knowledge is too little,
your fingers are too stubby,
your face has too many spots.

Why is it that these words are LOUDER then the ones that are important?
The words that tell you,
you are beautiful,
you are intelligent,
you are healthy,
you are blessed,
you are unique,
you are loved,
you are cherished,
you are talented,
you are YOU!

The last six months I've been on a hunt to REdiscover myself & it hasn't been easy..

Digging deep to find out who I really am has brought some ugly traits to the surface.
I have come to realization that I can be proud, judgmental, and selfish. These qualities have left me with broken friendships and relationships. However, what I have learned; is that being aware and incompetent leads to being aware & competent. If you repent that is. Now I can focus on becoming a better me.

I am finding confidence in myself again. And no, not cocky or arrogant but confident.
I'm working on the me I want to be. Im ready to stand up for what I believe in and know when to bite my tongue. Taking this walk with Christ, I am learning to love myself so that I can love others.

This year hasn't exactly been the most comfortable for me. But stepping out of my comfort zone has been the best thing for me.

Im ready to follow MY heart and be MYself.

End of story.
xo, ao

Honestly, I wish my heart was a little more aggressive. I wish it was a little louder because I can't quite hear what it's trying to tell me.

but I am listening now.