Saturday, September 28, 2013

Not Your Girl Next Door

(I would like to 
dedicate this blog 
entry to anyone 
that is fighting a
battle right now, 
hang in there.)

There's been several times when I've been out and about and some unfamiliar face walks up to me asking where they know me from. After I awkwardly smile and politely say I have no recollection of having ever met the person, nine times out of ten I get this response, 

"oh, maybe you just have that girl next door look!"

I feel like it is too easy to look at a person and make an assumption.

I feel like judging is a harsh word for it but lately I feel "misunderstood". 

Now please do not read my next comment and think I am vain, If you continue reading the next comment I beg of you, please finish reading the rest of this entry!!! 

I get told all the time I am pretty. 
I get told girls wish they were me.
I get told guys wish they could date me. 

I feel like people look at me and think I'm all put together. 
That I am the captain of a ship with easy sails.
That my life is "picture perfect."  

I do it too. 
I look at someone in envy but I was shocked when I found that people look at me that way.

Pardon my french, but here's the truth, I am a hot ass mess. 

I'd like to take the time now to clarify just what type of girl I actually am. 

First of all,

I am not your "girl next door."

I am not the type of person that agrees when someone calls me beautiful.

I fight many demons, daily. 

It is the beginning of fall now and I just finished one challenging summer. 

  • My first heartbreak.

  • Moving back home at 22.

  • Many insecurities that seem to have just popped out of no where. 

Basically feeling like kind of a loser all summer long.


"God often uses our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling."

It's funny how when life gets rough the enemy's voice becomes
 louder & louder & Louder!

However, that quote has never been more true to me.

Experiencing some serious pain this summer brought me to my strongest self and boy it's been no easy ride.

After a break up I felt rejected.

Then I started to question my friendships.

Then I started to believe I wasn't smart.

Then I started to believe I was ugly.

Then I started to believe I was fat.

(the list goes on but I don't want to bore you)

One thing after another I was giving permission of these lies to float around inside my head, slowly crippling me. 

I was being distant from friends & family. Primarily staying at home, reading self help books or watching movies. I deleted many of my social media accounts. Totally disconnected myself.

If I did leave the house it was to go to the gym. I very much lost my appetite and when I did eat I made sure it was clean food. I went and died my hair. I was completely lost. And each day went by sloooooooooooooooowly. 

Even though it took me reaching a low point before realizing this I am so grateful I finally did. 

I remembered how to pray

Not just pray but pray hard. Crying with an aching heart begging for the Lord to help me understand his doings in my life. 

Now I'd like to share with you guys this miraculous moment in my life where God's heavenly angels swooped in and carried me into the arms of pure bliss and happiness but unfortunately that is not the case. But stay tuned anyways. ;)

It took a long time, days turning into months of praying the same prayer. 

But eventually I noticed it became a little bit easier to breath.

The pain started to lessen, my energy level started to grow. My silly self was rediscovered. I have grown closer to the greatest mother ever and I have bonded with my dad at a whole new level.  I've learned that I have some pretty amazing girlfriends who are some seriously unique and special women, some of them being apart of my everyday life and some of them across the country. (Yes, I am talking about you: Lexie, Katrina, Katey, Chelsea, Rhi, & even my new friend Kymberly. All your guys wisdom and friendship means the world to me!) 

So here is my lesson learned...

nothing more. nothing less. 

Pretty simple, huh? 

At my weakest God is my strength. 
At my saddest, God is my comforter. 

I can honestly say I am finding my inner peace and happiness. I chose the word choice "finding" instead of "found" because it's still a battle at times. I still have my days where all I want to do is lie in bed and be sad but those days are becoming more far and few. 

I'll never forget this quote from the movie "The Pursuit of Happiness" with Will Smith...

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it."

I believe that happiness is definitely something that is attainable. But there is no way of achieving it without having a relationship with Christ. 

The unexpected is bound to happen. You're life could fall apart in front of your eyes any second but how wonderful is it that you have full control of how you chose to handle it. I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself and took matters into my own hands. I found courage, I did plenty of laughing at myself, and I'd like to think at times I was graceful! LOL 

I would never have found this strength hidden within me if God wouldn't have put me through the trails he did this summer.

And now, FINALLY, I can say thank-you! Thank-you for shifting gears in my life because I would not have on my own and I am so much happier now! I like to think of myself as a more heartfelt and tender yet strong, independent woman now!

And no one can take my happiness away from me because I do not receive my happiness from another human being anymore. I receive it from my Lord & Savior who will never forsaken me. 

Now I've given you a little, actually a pretty deep glimpse inside of me but I am okay with that. Hopefully, whoever you are taking time to read this you will think twice before looking at someone and judging or even envying their life. 

I came across this quote the other day...

"Sometime God redeems your story by surrounding you with people that need to hear your past, so that it doesn't become their future." - Jon Acuff

I posted this heartfelt blog entry in hopes that someone struggling with the same issues would come across it and be enlightened. If my blog annoyed you or you felt like it was a waste of your time then clearly you are not that person. 

Thank you for reading.

God Bless.

xo. ash